Editor’s note: The Size 15 Runner returns with his third comedy special, fresh off the heels of his much-acclaimed second special: “What’s the Deal with Running Shoe Marketing?” As always, The Size 15 Runner is triggered for no reason, and he refuses to hold back as he rails against the $500 Adidas Adios Pro Evo. But, the question remains: is he humorous in the slightest or does he just love to yell at shoes?
The New One
[The Size 15 Runner runs out on stage.]
Hey, you guys! It’s always a treat coming back here! Thank you! Please, sit! If you’re not gonna stand the entire set, then sit, damnit! Alright, let’s get started!
So, you guys heard about the new Adidas Adizero Adios Pro Evo? [audience gasps] I know, right? I can’t believe how ridiculous the shoe name is, either! It turns out, the biggest shock isn’t the $500 price tag! [audience howls obnoxiously]
Of course, that kind of shoe-naming poppycock is nothing new for Adidas. [audience yells out: “Burrrrrrnnnnn!”] I mean, they do have a shoe called the Adidas Adizero Prime X 2 Strung. Like, did they forget the version number is supposed to come at the end of the shoe name?! [audience chortles wildly] No, I like to tease Adidas, but they’re certainly not alone when it comes to foolish shoe names. I mean, I could go on and on about the mouthful that is the New Balance Fresh Foam X More Trail v3, but I’ll spare you.
[Audience yells simultaneously: “Thank you!”]
Anyway, Adidas’ regrettable relationship with Kanye and his absurdly priced “designer” gear clearly must have worn off on the company. When Kanye can instantly sell out a plain white t-shirt for $120, selling a running shoe for $500 seems like a steal! Until you learn that the Adidas Adios Pro Evo is only designed to last for one marathon and a shakeout run. 30 miles! Talk about racecourse robbery! [audience gleefully giggles]
Disgraceful
It’s a great marketing tactic: “We have the latest, greatest shoe technology. Now, fork over $500 to find out if we’re full of shit.” Spoiler alert: They are, and their shit stinks! Last time I checked, the highest-priced super shoes are $275 with Saucony’s Endorphin Elite and Nike’s Alphafly. How did we completely skip the $276-$499 range?!
Honestly, I’m surprised Adidas isn’t making consumers bid on the shoe. $500? Who says it’s not worth $750? It’s worth whatever insane amount people are willing to pay! Supply and demand, baby! That’s Econ 101!
[audience chants: “Econ! Econ! Econ!”]
You guys know I’m nothing if not fair, right? [audience yells: “Damn straight!”] So, in their defense, the Adidas Adios Pro Evo is for elites—and those delusional enough to think they can become elite. [audience chuckles] Additionally, according to World Athletics regulations, for a shoe to be eligible for the World Athletics Competition, it must be sold to the public.
That sure is a nice deal these companies struck. They’re basically saying, “Actually, according to the rulebook, we absolutely must charge the naïve public $500 for this shoe. Sorry, rules are rules!” I say, screw that! Just as records are meant to broken, so are rules! Everyone, say it with me: “No rules, just right!” Ready?! Ok, on three: 1…2…3…
[crowd shouts: “No rules, just right!”]
Yeah! Alright! Thank you to Outback Steakhouse for sponsoring tonight’s special! God, I love a good Bloomin’ Onion and a cold can of Coors…or five! [audience gets rowdy and starts to chant: Chug! Chug! Chug!]
[The Size 15 Runner pulls out a Coors Light from his hydration vest, dents the can with his finger, and shotguns the beer.]
[Audience rises and obnoxiously cheers him on.]
Not Normal
If you’re foolish enough to want to buy the Adidas Adios Pro Evo—and take out a mortgage on it—Adidas makes you enter a raffle in which you input your credit card info. Ha! You have to commit to paying half a k, but you’re not even guaranteed the shoe because of the limited quantities available. Crazy, right?! That shit is bananas! [audience shouts in the style of Gwen Stefani: B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
But, wait, there’s more! Since this isn’t just any shoe, remember, this is a $500 shoe—before taxes!— Adidas actually requires you to download their app to enter the raffle. So, to recap, first, you must be looney enough to spend a king’s ransom for a prototype. Then, you have to download the Adidas app—right, because I need another app like I need gaping holes in my running shoes. Finally, you have to blindly enter the raffle like you’re participating in an elementary school fundraiser. [audience cackles incessantly]
Part of me thinks this must be some kind of social experiment. Adidas is seeing how far people will go to purchase the, supposedly, “most innovative” carbon fiber-plated-racer. Well, sorry, I’m no sheep and there’s no pulling your sheep’s wool over my eyes! [audience rises to give standing ovation]
The King’s Jester
I won’t be entering the stupid raffle for the same reason I won’t be sitting on a stool in the corner of my living room wearing a dunce cap! [audience laughs hysterically] Yeah, that’s right! Adidas, I’m not your puppet! Unless, of course, you’re willing to sponsor me, or, at least, give me free shoes, and then I’ll gladly do and say whatever you’d like me to. [audience appears confused and starts to mutter to each other]
With the way shoe prices continue to escalate—and please, don’t blame the supply chain, it’s served as the scapegoat for far too long and for way too many companies—I can see a future where non-plated daily trainers reach $200. Ha! The future is already here, and, boy, does it suck! [audience boos in agreement]
Elephant in the Room
[The Size 15 Runner’s phone starts to ring]
Excuse me, y’all. I got to take this. [Answers phone] Hello? No shit! How fast? Wow, that’s amazing. What shoe did she use? Haha. No, really, what shoe did she wear? Hmm, interesting. Very interesting. Ok, yeah I got to go. No, you stay fresh! [Hangs up the phone]
So, apparently, Tigst Assefa just obliterated the women’s marathon record by more than two minutes at the 2023 Berlin Marathon. [audience whispers to one other ]
Hmm, well, I got to cut this set short, guys. You’ve been tight, though.
[The Size 15 Runner secretly begins to download the Adidas app as he walks off stage.]
Audience member calls out: “Wait, which shoe did she wear?”
The Size 15 Runner: Umm…it was the—actually, I’m not sure.
Another audience member calls out: Was it…was it the Adidas Adios Pro Evo?
The Size 15 Runner continues walking off stage as he enters his credit card details as part of the raffle for the Adidas Adios Pro Evo.
The Size 15 Runner: Adios, suckers!
[“Adios” by Boosie Badazz (feat. Lil Boosie, Webbie, Foxx, and Big Head) begins to play as The Size 15 Runner runs off stage.]
