Editor’s note: The Size 15 Runner returns with his second comedy special: “What’s the Deal with Running Shoes Marketing?” Just like in his debut special, he sure is triggered, and he refuses to hold back as he rails against running shoe marketing. The question remains: is he humorous in the slightest or does he just love to yell at clouds (and pillows and trampolines)?
[The Size 15 Runner runs on stage as the crowd rises to give him a standing ovation]
Thank you! Thank you! C’mon, sit! Sit! Actually, it’d be pretty hilarious if you guys stood up the whole time! [audience lightly chuckles] I mean, could you guys imagine how silly that’d be? You don’t want to stand, right? [audience giggles awkwardly] Nevermind, nevermind! C’mon, sit down!
As you can see, I got a gut now! [audience wolf-whistles] The running industry tried to cancel me after my first special, but I’m back, baby! [audience shouts in support and gives a round of applause] They can’t keep the truth about pull tabs from coming out because they can’t handle the truth! [audience cheers wildly] C’mon, you guys have to stand up for that one! [audience rises to give another standing ovation]
Alright, let’s get this party started! [audience sits, The Size 15 Runner whispers to himself: “Damnit, they sat.”]
You guys seen the way these running companies market their shoes? I’ve had it up to my Tracksmith Van Cortlandt Polo shirt here with the crap! Save the fluff, I prefer Fluffernutter. I don’t need the mumbo-jumbo, I’ll go with a bowl of gumbo. And forget the hogwash, I’m going to smoke a hog instead. [audience laughs hysterically]
It’s Bad for Ya!
Brooks, Brooks, Brooks. Look, I love to “run happy” as much as the next guy, but sometimes their marketing chafes my big ol’ behind! [turns around, bends over, and points to butt; audience bursts into laughter and the women catcall]
The company has promoted their Glycerin shoe with a campaign urging runners to “turn streets into pillows.” Ha! I’ve heard of turning water into wine and lemons into lemonade, but streets into pillows?! Who do they think we are? Rumpelstiltskin?! [audience chants and claps: “Rump-el-stilts-kin!” Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap. “Rump-el-stilts-kin!” Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap] I ask you: how would someone even go about removing asphalt in favor of polyester, feathers, or down? Nevermind the legal implications, it’s not even logistically possible! [audience members yell: “Yeah!”]
“Brooks has encouraged runners to ‘turn streets into pillows.’ Ha! Have you ever stepped on a pillow? Of course you haven’t — you’re not a madman. You don’t go around the house throwing pillows on the floor to then step on them.“
Brooks has used similar language and imagery in promotion of the Ghost, showing a runner landing on pillows with their shoes. [face-palms and shakes head in disgust] Have you ever stepped on a pillow? Of course you haven’t — you’re not a madman. You don’t go around the house throwing pillows on the floor to then step on them. I can’t think of a time I even accidentally stepped on a pillow. Even if I had, it surely wouldn’t be an action I’d repeat because it wouldn’t feel natural. I’d probably turn my ankle! Pillows are for the head, back, or to put between the legs while sleeping. They’re not meant for your nasty feet! Sorry, not sorry! [audience yells: “Burrrrrrrrnnnn!”]
Delirious
What is it with shoe companies’ obsession with clouds? Shoutout to ASICS, who released the 25th edition of their popular Nimbus and Cumulus shoes this year. Let’s give them a round of applause. [audience claps] Yeah, truly remarkable stuff. But, I’ve always wondered, why no Cirrus shoe? Did they realize midway through naming their shoes that their logic is….illogical? I mean, they might as well name one of their shoes the “Rainbow.” [audience cackles incessantly] Setting aside that it’s a physical impossibility to step on a cloud or a rainbow, you can’t even reach them to find out.
“I see the Cloudsurfer getting good reviews. I’m happy for On, despite the absolutely asinine shoe name. Newsflash: Just as you can’t run on clouds, you certainly can’t surf on them!”
And then there’s On, who ties their entire identity to clouds. I see the On Cloudsurfer getting good reviews. That’s great, I’m very happy for On despite the absolutely ASININE shoe name. Newsflash: Just as you can’t run on clouds, you certainly can’t surf on them! And let’s not forget about the On Cloudmonster. Oh no, I’m so scared of a monster made of, wait, let me check my notes….clouds! Let me get this straight, Brooks has the Ghost, On has the Cloudmonster, so, what’s next, the HOKA Goblin? [audience erupts with laughter]
ASICS and On, get your head out of the clouds and come back down to earth with the rest of us, ya space cadets! Sorry, not sorry! [audience yells: “Burrrrrrrrnnnn!”]
Bring the Pain
Don’t even get me started on companies comparing running shoes to trampolines. Sure, if you want absolutely no stability for your ankles and extremely harsh landings for your feet, then a trampoline works perfectly. Just don’t be surprised when your trampoline runs “land” you in the hospital. [audience screams with laughter] I mean, do you guys realize how hard it is to run on a trampoline?! You do know you’d be much faster running on roads, trails, grass, or just about any other surface, right? [audience shouts in agreement]
Yeah, yeah, I get it — a trampoline has a springy effect which is supposed to give the runner some energy return. The only return I want from shoes marketed this way is a refund! Comparison is the thief of joy, so, word to the wise: never compare a fun trampoline to a dull pair of shoes. You’ll be depressed. Sorry, not sorry! [audience yells: “Burrrrrrrrnnnn!”]
Thank you, guys! You’ve been alright! You didn’t stay standing, but that’s ok! I’m going to hit the hay! You know what, I can’t stand hotel pillows. Does anyone have a pillow I could use? [audience laughs] No one? Alright, then! [The Size 15 Runner pulls out a pillow from underneath his Tracksmith polo shirt, as his “gut” disappears.] [audience gasps]
Oh, what was that doing there? Weird! [Pulls a knife from his pocket and cuts open the pillow as feathers fall out] [audience laughs and cheers wildly] Oh yeah, I’m sleeping well tonight! Goodnight, everyone!
[audience rises to give standing ovation]
[Kate Bush’s “Cloudbusting” begins to play as The Size 15 Runner runs off stage]
