It’s time for NEW RULES—the new running rules!
NEW RULE!
If you don’t have more than five pairs in your shoe rotation than you deserve to get injured, you read me? Yeah, no, I don’t want to hear about you being fiscally responsible—everyone knows you need at least six pairs of shoes at any given time. Besides, how else will running shoe brands survive if you don’t donate a large chunk of your salary each year to support their bottom lines? YEAH, they don’t charge nearly enough for their pairs! Those poor companies hardly get by. $250 for a carbon fiber plated shoe! The audacity! They ought to charge twice that!
Oh wait, that’s right, Adidas already did that by asking $500 for the Adizero Adios Pro Evo. Actually, this time, I can’t blame Adidas for that one. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate their guts for not making shoes in my size 15, but if you’re desperate enough to spend five Benjamin Franklin’s—one of the strongest and manliest founding fathers and not at all a huge creep—for a pair that lasts less than 80 miles, then you deserve to get swindled and made fun of.
That reminds me, do you folks remember Nicholas Cage’s character’s name in the film National Treasure? Why, it’s none other than Benjamin Franklin Gates! Now THAT’S how you honor a great American patriot and not at all a huge creep.
NEW RULE!
If you “run” on the treadmill in the winter—or in any season—then you’re not a real runner, okay? YEAH, I’m sorry, but leisurely dawdling on the DREADMILL while watching Netflix doesn’t count as running. You think the precious founding fathers of the U.S would dare step foot on a treadmill? Yeah, no! Or Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee and other formidable leaders of the Confederacy? Yeah, no! Or the ultra-powerful, very charming and not at all shit-eating troll Elon Musk? Yeah, no! Or any other insecure, narcissistic male? Yeah, no!
You might as well skip your run instead of running on the treadmill. It’d help you save time and save face—newsflash: you look like a fucking moron running on a treadmill. Everyone does. Unless you’re an attractive woman under the age of 40. And if you are…well, hello there, and nice to meet you, I’m The Size 15 Runner.
Case in point: The only time Brad Pitt ever looked like a mouth-breathing doofus in a movie was when he was running on a treadmill in Burn After Reading. Ugh, that was tough to watch. It’s not surprising, then, that he was killed off later in the film. Oops, spoiler. Oh wait, yeah, that’s right—that movie came out in 2008—if you haven’t seen it by now, then you don’t deserve to watch it.
NEW RULE!
Energy gels…are not candy, okie dokie, artichok-ie?! YEAH, you don’t just eat them whenever your heart desires. They serve a very clear purpose—to fuel your runs, not to fuel your diabetes. They’re not a box of chocolates or a bag of sour patch kids. And you’re not Charlie in some pedophile’s Chocolate Factory, ok? You’re a runner in public subjecting poor, innocent women and children to your grotesque, sweaty poor excuse for a body and your atrocious running form.
Women, on behalf of filthy heathens like this, I’d like to apologize. Perhaps I can make it up to you by buying you a drink? As for you children…I’ll buy you a toy or something. Oh wait, that’s right, yeah no, I don’t actually give a shit about you!
NEW RULE!
If you don’t run at least four races a year, I don’t want to see you on the race course EVER, you hear me, sweetie? YEAH, that’s at least one race per quarter, Q1, Q2, Q3, and Q4! Oh wait, that’s right: On the topic of quarters, you failed to meet Q3 sales and earnings expectations, so we’re really banking on a strong rebound in Q4 to ease stockholders’ concerns and steady the market. Ahh, isn’t capitalism great, folks?! Let’s all watch Michael Moore’s 2009 documentary: Capitalism: A Love Story, to learn about all the social costs of corporate interests pursuing profits at the expense of the public good.
Like I was saying, you’re ruining the integrity of the sport by not racing—racing is the whole point of running! Awww, that’s so cute! You think you’re supposed to run for fun? Yeah, no! Running isn’t fun, that’s why it’s called running.
But racing, now THAT’S fun—suffering from heavy anxiety the week leading up to race day, constant tossing and turning and getting a couple hours of sleep the night before, waking up at the ass crack of dawn to spread your ass crack open for a wicked bout of nervous diarrhea, and failing to achieve a PR because of the lack of sleep and severe dehydration from said bout of nervous diarrhea. The best part about racing is making excuses for underperforming. Write that down. And if you do happen to somehow achieve a PR, then you can brag about all the great adversity you overcame to shed…30 seconds off your previous best time.
NEW RULE!
Guys, if there’s any chance at all, even the slightest iota of a possibility, even the faintest likelihood that I’ll see one of your small, shriveled, wrinkly, discolored, hairy testicles pop out of your short running shorts, then I don’t want to see you running, comprende? YEAH, you know I could sue you for public indecency, right? Seriously, just stay off the roads and trails and admire your gross, disgusting balls in the comfort and privacy of your own home. Remember, that’s why I invented the Ball Bag: The Ball Bag: it’s a ball sack…for your ballsack. The Ball Bag is available for purchase on this website.
And while I’m on the topic, no one wants to see your hairy chicken legs. God, give us all a break, would ya? Are those sticks, or your legs, cuz honestly, I can’t tell! You’ve got absolutely no muscle definition, and even if you did, no one—from any gender—of any sexual orientation—wants to see any guy’s thighs like that. It’s just ain’t natural.
UGH, you probably paly with yourself thinking about your hairy tarantula legs. You FREAK. Cover up those stilt-thin legs and wear a pair of shorts with at least a 9” inseam. Preferably 10”. YEAH, you do realize will Ferrell’s Jackie Moon character in the film Semi Pro was a parody, right? You know what, on second thought, just wear pants. Oh wait, that’s right—unless you’re a woman. If you’re a woman, wear as little clothing as possible. I want you gals to feel comfortable out there on the run. And send me a photo of you wearing your scantily clad running outfit—I won’t mind.
AND…FINALLY…NEW RULE!
If you don’t run, then don’t wear running shoes, got it? YEAH, we can already tell you don’t run by how you look—you’re not fooling anybody by lacing up a pair of HOKA’s. Or Brooks. Or On. Just follow the lead of other non-runners and wear a pair of crocs. Or Birkenstocks. Or any other non-active, idiotic looking footwear worn by virgins.
I mean, it’s unbelievably tone deaf to wear footwear designed for an activity that you don’t participate in, especially in this polarizing political climate. That’d be like a white actor wearing blackface to pretend they’re black—yeah, no—that would simply never happen! I mean, could you imagine, say, I don’t know….Robert Downey Jr., Betty White, Judy Garland, or Dan Akroyd wearing blackface in film or tv? Get out of town! That’d be insane! That’s why all heterosexual characters in Hollywood are only played by heterosexuals.
Simply put, you’re lying to people. You’re masquerading as someone you’re not and will never be no matter what you do—oh wait, that’s right…unless you start running. Oh wait, that’s right— you’re not a runner, you’re a pretender. Now, fuck off.
