Often times, the hardest part of any run is just making it out the door. Once we take that first step, it’s all downhill after that, regardless of our route’s elevation profile. Of course, there are a lot of metaphorical steps we must take before that first step on the run. Like taking a shit. And drinking a highly caffeinated, ideally non-alcoholic beverage. Thankfully, I’ve graciously developed five running hacks to help runners like you make it out the door—and not take nearly a whole hour to get out said door and onto the pavement or trails.
1. Prepare your outfit beforehand
To save time and eliminate the hassle of wandering around your bedroom, laundry room, and bathroom in the early morning like a lost puppy looking for its owner, don’t wait until the day of to try to piece together an outfit in a time crunch while you’re in a half-asleep stupor looking like the deranged person you actually are instead of that cute lost puppy. Pick it out the day before!
Of course, once your outfit is laid out, it’ll be right there in front of you on display as a constant reminder that your running wardrobe is severely outdated. How long have you owned those shorts with that regrettable gingham design? And how many holes are in those socks? THAT’S the shirt you want to be seen wearing in public?!
But more importantly, seeing that stupid little repulsive outfit will signify that you’re, apparently, going running tomorrow morning. And the more times you pass by the outfit, the more you’re reminded how shitty tomorrow’s run will likely very be. Sure, the run could be alright, but there’s a much higher chance of it being miserable.
Besides, your previous run was actually somewhat pleasant, so there’s no chance of having two good runs in consecutive outings—the law of averages tells us it’s just not going to happen. Plus, today is Sunday, and on Any Given Sunday—you know tomorrow will be just another Manic Monday when you’ll be wishing it was Sunday because that’s your fun day, your “I don’t have to run” day. “Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays!” Yeah, Mondays blow.
2. Fuel adequately
You could’ve sworn you’d be out on the road running by now, but instead you’re still at home sitting on the toilet. Perhaps you shouldn’t have devoured that entire chipotle burrito—or any of a chipotle burrito the night before. “Really, he’s going to make a poop joke?” Nope! I already did that in the first paragraph, remember?
C’mon, you’re smarter than that—aren’t you? We’re all trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here, but time and time again, you make increasingly poor decisions when it comes to what you shove down your gullet before a run. Like that time you essentially chugged that super spicy Korean soup with a side of kimchi all within a few minutes and then proceeded to wash it down with a brown sugar bubble tea with whole milk and extra boba that you actually did chug:
“Oh, this friggin soup is so damn hot—both spice wise and temperature wise, but I physically can’t stop eating it! I’m compelled to finish it as quickly as I can instead of savoring it—it’s just that tasty! It’s like I’m possessed by that Demon from The Exorcist to feed it the spiciest and most scalding hot dish imaginable as my tongue and throat burn in hell. I should probably just let it cool down and not order this dish with a 5-star spice level, but I just can’t help myself! I’m a glutton for punishment! And here I thought The Devil Went Down to Georgia; alas, Lucifer is very clearly right here inside me and the power of Christ clearly does not compel me!”
3. Don’t stay up late for sports or Netflix
You’re so naïve—you really are! You think if you stay up late to finish watching that trashy show or dumpster fire of a game that’s not remotely close, you won’t need to wake up early in the morning before your run to catch all the exciting action you missed last night!
I’ve got some news for you: the “big game” is actually quite microscopic. This Tuesday night regular season game doesn’t matter in the slightest. Not sure if you’re aware, but there are dozens upon dozens of other similarly inconsequential games in the season. If “your” team—yes, you foolishly believe you’re actually a part of the team—wins this game, “we” will be leading “our” division by nine games instead of eight! Sports fans are the most pathetic fans.
And how could you possibly go to sleep and not be able to determine the fate of your favorite reality tv stars whose fate has already been determined by the show’s producers. Because reality tv shows like The Bachelorette (or The Bachelor) are definitely not scripted. Like, how could a random, superficial woman’s soulmate not be in a cast of a whopping…32 random, superficial attention whores desperately trying to achieve fame, notoriety, and a spin-off reality show of their own? Remember, they’re not here to make friends, they’re here to make money.
Forget what I said about sports fans; reality tv fans are the most pathetic fans. That is, until we find out that sports are secretly scripted, too. Fine then, sports fans and reality tv fans are equally pathetic.
4. Never untie your shoelaces
It really is that simple: NEVER untie your shoelaces. “Doctors hate this one trick” that helps you save valuable time both before and after a run. Take it from someone who never learned to properly tie his shoes—among many other basic skills required of a first grader. Perhaps, like Billy Madison, I should go back to school to prove to dad (and everyone else) that I’m not a fool?
Anyway, I utilize the “bunny ears method” of shoe tying. Only, my bunny’s “ears” are severely deformed. I understand bunnies have a great sense of hearing, but with the “ears” I tie, they’d be lucky to hear the sound of a gunshot from a hunter’s rifle in the woods. I say make it a fair fight and give the bunnies some guns, too. Let’s see how tough humans really are.
My laces would easily come untied 10 times out of 10, if I didn’t double tie them. Nevertheless, if you need to tighten or loosen your shoes, you’re tying them wrong. Gently slip them on like it’s Cinderella’s glass slipper—only, without the assistance of some creep with a foot fetish wearing a monocle. It’s a perfect fit!
And, when it’s time to take them off, simply use the opposite shoe to dig your toes into the heel of the shoe. It may take some finagling, but, after some minor elbow grease and some severe heel chafing, it’ll all be worth it to save 30 seconds or so.
Don’t worry about ruining the heel support and longevity of your shoes—you should only run in any pair for around 100 miles or so. So, by the time you’ve destroyed the shoes, it’s already time to purchase your next pair. Of course, if you’re smart, you don’t wait until the century mile mark to buy another pair. If you have any brain cells in that oversized noggin of yours, I mean, if there’s any activity in your brain whatsoever, you have at least two new pairs waiting in your closet, in addition to the dozens of other shoes currently in your rotation.
5. Remind yourself why you’re running
When you’re struggling to find motivation to get out the door, remind yourself why you do it. Think of all the benefits and all the positivity it brings to your life. Hmm, come to think of it: why are you running? Seriously: what benefits are you getting out of the act of sluggishly putting one foot in front of the other? What positivity does it bring to your life? No, seriously! I’m genuinely wondering!
You only run once or twice a week, you haven’t gotten any faster over the years, you hardly sign up for any races (What’s your PR again?), and you only run in one pair of shoes. Do you even like running? It sure doesn’t seem like it. Prove me wrong. Run a marathon. Do it—you won’t! Chicken!
Like Usher sang, “U remind me of a girl (or guy) that I once knew”—who brutally hated running. They would go on to quit the sport not long after reminding themself why they were running. They were reminded they had no good reasons to go running. “See this girl, she sort of looks just like you. She even smiles just the way you do.” Whoa, this is getting weird.
It’s truly my pleasure to prepare this great variety of useful and creative running hacks you can utilize to get your lazy ass out of bed and out the door. So, which running hacks will be the most helpful to you? Sound off in the comments!
