Founded back in 2009, Strava, the “leading platform for movement” has experienced immense growth over the past several years among cyclists, weightlifters, hikers, and, arguably the coolest athletes—runners. Instead of a social media feed filled with racist, misogynistic, and ignorant musings by booger eaters who live in their parents’ basement, Strava displays various types of workouts completed by those you follow. So, why use Strava for running?
Strava for running
Strava is the “largest sports community in the world that connects more than 100 million users through the sports they love.” It’s the one social media app that actually represents any semblance of real life— unlike Tik Tok, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter (I refuse to call it by its new name—fuck you, Elon Musk.) In these apps, people carefully curate their content to portray a particular desired image to the world. There’s no pretending on Strava—what you see is what you get. There’s no deception. Don’t worry—this isn’t an ad for Strava.
And you don’t “like” posts, instead, you give “kudos” for others’ workouts. There’s no denying Strava helps promote a healthy lifestyle; instead of sitting on your ass playing video games or laying down while you play with yourself using Instagram on your phone, you step outside to move your body.
Again, I promise this isn’t sponsored content. Although, Strava team, if you’re reading this, I’d certainly be open to receiving payments from you—or from anyone, really. Except from Elon Musk. Fuck you, Elon. I have no shame and no discretion. Money is money, after all.
Each day, I look forward to opening up Strava to see what friends were up to the roads and trails, and to cheer them on virtually—it’s much easier than in-person. Join me as I check out what they were up to today!
Friendly competition
Wait a minute—what the?! Jesus! Emilio ran again today? But he already went for a run this morning! What psycho runs two times in one day?! Most people don’t even run once a day. Ugh, what a showboat. Oh, look at Emilio, everyone! Emilio has the time and energy to run twice in one day! Prick! Clearly, he has no social life. And no professional life. Is Emilio even employed anymore? Oh, maybe he got fired. That’s why he has all this time to prioritize his health! Ha, serves him right for being a braggart.
Oh my God, you have GOT to be kidding me! Alex went running today?! That’s like, 7 days in a row—doesn’t he know what a rest day is? What freak runs seven days a week? Does he do that every week? He’s going to injure himself. Maybe I should say something to him. Hmm, but if he does get injured, then he won’t be able to run, so I won’t have to see his stupid workouts in Strava. Or perhaps I can just unfollow him? No, I couldn’t do that. That’d be awkward, we’ve been friends since high school. Plus, then he might unfollow me and I’d have one less follower.
Gaining a following
How do you even get more followers on Strava? And I thought it was hard to gain a following on Instagram! Strava is even more difficult. People really have to care about you to follow you on Strava. An Instagram follow is a hook-up, but a Strava follow is a relationship.
Plus, you can easily mute people on Instagram without them knowing. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve muted on Instagram. I’ve even muted myself temporarily. Yes, even I cringe at myself sometimes. Everyone is so fucking annoying. Just shut up, would you? No one cares about your mundane life. Your stories aren’t even stories—they’re one-off creepy photos, your reels are too long and self-indulgent, and you post to your profile way too often. Your follower-to-post ratio is truly embarrassing.
Picture perfect
Speaking of Instagram, don’t look now but Marshall posted yet another Strava photo that’s indistinguishable from any of his others. The photos that dude chooses to accompany his workouts on this app are so lame. He does the same routes every time so it’s always the same sights. At least he doesn’t take a selfie or photograph himself with every workout like some desperate dudes do. That’s so obnoxious. Hello?! No one wants to see you running—if they did, they’d run with you. Your running form is atrocious, anyway. You don’t look like you’re running, you like you’re dry heaving. Or humping. Or dry heaving while humping.
Anyway, it looks like I won’t be taking a rest day today as planned. If Alex ran today, I must run, too. I mean, I’m in better shape than Alex! Alex isn’t even fit! I bet he’d technically be considered overweight according to the BMI chart. Of course, that BMI chart is ridiculous—at one point, I was considered “obese” according to that silly thing. Ha, I sure showed them—now I’m practically anorexic!
Careful what you record
Really, Rebecca? You’re going to record your pointless evening walk? I’ll be honest, I didn’t know Strava allowed you to record walks. Is walking even considered exercise? Me thinks not! And she only walked a mile! My god. If you absolutely must post your walks, they should at least be four miles long, otherwise it’s just embarrassing. Same goes for running. I don’t want to see a run on my Strava feed that’s less than three miles. Even three miles is humiliating. People really ought to build up their mileage in private before they use Strava for running and publicly post their short runs.
Hmm, Natalia’s tempo run today had an average pace of 6:20 per mile? And she ran 10 miles?! How is that possible? Natalia can’t be that fast—she’s a woman! That’s faster than I run my tempo runs! And she kept that pace for all ten miles?! There must be some kind of mistake. Maybe I should contact Strava’s customer support and see if they can look into this for me—I mean, for Natalia. I wouldn’t want Natalia to cheat herself out of a workout.
Shit, I have an 8-mile tempo run on the docket for tomorrow. I guess I’ll have to run at least a 6:19 pace, now. And, I’ll have to run 11 miles to one-up Natalia. Ugh, I can’t possibly do that in this heat—or on any day, for that matter. I’ve got it! I’ll select the running activity type in Strava, but I’ll use my bike to do the “run” instead. I’ll be the first to outsmart Strava! Or, I guess, the second person after Natalia clearly gamed the system. There’s no way she can run a 6:20 pace. Unless she’s juicing. Maybe I should take start injecting a needle in my ass?
No kudos for you
Whoa, my brother ran on the beach today?! I didn’t even know he was at the beach! It seems he forgot to invite me to join him and his wife for a lovely weekend getaway. Selfish asshole. Somebody’s not getting any “kudos” from me, that’s for sure. That’s what you get for not inviting me—one fewer “kudos.” I wouldn’t have even wanted to go—I can’t stand the beach—or sit or lay there. It’s just the fact he didn’t extend the invite.
Fuck Strava, I’m deleting this stupid app—it’s no different than any of the other social media dumpster fires, like Tik Tok, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter (I refuse to call it by its new name—fuck you, Elon.) Shit, but I must get in that tempo “run” tomorrow on my bike to beat Natalia’s workout. Ok, I’ll post the “running” workout tomorrow for everyone to gawk at and then I’ll delete this God-forsaken Silicon Valley wet dream of an app.
