A company’s motto or slogan is supposed to define the brand. It represents the company and what it stands for. It helps create brand recognition and communicates a message to a target audience. Of course, at the end of the day—and the beginning and middle—they’re simply just a marketing tool used (especially by running shoe companies) to trick you into spending money on their products. You fool!
Sure, a motto or slogan isn’t nearly as important as a mission statement, but no one cares or knows (or cares to know) what a company’s mission statement even is. Quick: name one brand’s mission statement—you can’t do it!
Naturally, as a running geek, I got to thinking about running shoe companies’ mottos and how ridiculously awful they are. Don’t buy it? I’ll sell you on it. Let’s run through them together.
Brooks: Run happy
Good luck with this one catching on. Runners are some of the most miserable and irritable people on the planet. All we do is whine and bitch about anything and everything: other runners, bicyclists, the hot weather, the cold weather, our shoes, our outfit chafing our most sensitive body parts, shitty drivers, pedestrians on the wrong side of the road, runners on the wrong side of the road, weird-looking bugs, and even the act of running, itself. Do we even enjoy running? Sometimes, I’m not so sure. Besides, why would we want to be happy while running?
If we were cheerful all the time, we’d never get faster or improve as a runner. We’d be content with running the same paces, the same races, the same routes, in the same shoes, wearing the same shorts and the same tops, the same socks, the same hat atop our head, the same shit-eating grin across our face, listening to the same playlist of shitty songs from the same artists. Speaking of, if I hear Pharrell’s “Happy” one more time, I’m going to be even more depressed than I already am. “Clap along if you feel like you’re trapped inside a tiny room with an extremely low roof and no windows or doors and this terrible song on repeat.”
Saucony: Run for good
So, is this supposed to mean to run with good intentions or to run forever? Because either way, they’re both a fool’s errand. Let’s start with the “good intentions” meaning: Running is one of the most selfish human acts, right up there next to masturbation, guys not lifting the toilet seat before peeing, not flushing after peeing (or pooping) in said toilet, and finally, not washing your hands after using said toilet.
It’s much easier to run badly, as in, being a shitty runner. And you may not think you’re running with bad intentions, but all those selfies and videos of you used to show off on Instagram or Tik Tok are only inflating your already ginormous ego. Outside of me—it’s my duty to judge every runner—you’re literally the only one who cares how you look when you run. Not even your significant other gives a damn. Trust me on this one.
As far as running forever, that’s a physical impracticality. We all die one day—or another, as Madonna regrettably and underwhelmingly belted on arguably the worst James Bond film of the 27 in the franchise: 2002’s Die Another Day. But even before we perish, our physical condition declines drastically well before death. Followed shortly after by a steep downgrade in mental faculties. Whoa, this got dark very quickly. Gee, thanks a lot, Saucony.
Nike: ?
Hmm, what’s Nike’s slogan, again? Oh, just forget it. I just won’t do it.
ASICS: Sound mind, sound body
Yeah, this one sure sounds like a real winner. The last time I checked, the mind isn’t capable of making any sound. ASICS does realize the metaphorical “lightbulb moment” doesn’t actually make a noise, right?
Of course, the body sure does make a lot of sounds—none of them pleasant. Coughs, sneezes, blowing snot. We’ve got yawns, burps, and farts. Oh, great, now I’ve been reduced to making fart jokes. Only, I’m not joking. What else is there? The sound of your own orgasm—must you be so dramatic?! The sound of other people chewing food—not you, though. You don’t make any sound when you chew. You’re perfect. Anyway, the human body is disgusting. Humans are disgusting.
HOKA: Time to fly
This one is just cruel. Man’s greatest wish is to fly. That’s why there are so many movies, tv shows, ads, and songs about humans flying. Like Lenny Kravitz’s “Fly Away.” And “Fly Like An Eagle” by the Steve Miller Band. And Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me to the Moon.” And a song named, “(Wish I Could Fly Like) Superman.” There’s even a movie theme song about flying: Rocky’s (“Gonna Fly Now”). Then you have The Offspring’s “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy).” Wait, that one might not be about the act of flying.
Regardless, the only “flying” humans do is sitting in a crammed and smelly sardine can, also known as a long hollow tube 40,000 feet up in the sky, while we bite our nails and clench our fists hoping the Boeing plane we’re on has no issues—which seems to be an increasingly common issue. Hell, even Boeing’s whistleblowers aren’t safe on land! I don’t even want to know what Boeing’s slogan is. They’re worse than all of the running shoe companies mentioned here. In fact, they’re one of the worst companies in existence.
Where was I? Oh, right: I don’t care how good a company’s running shoes may be, no runner’s feet are in the air for more than a second or two. And eventually we all crash and burn before the finish line. False promises, false promises.
Oh, and I’m not sure what woman’s greatest wish is, (I never even know my own wife’s thoughts) but I bet it’s something far more practical and meaningful than flying. My fellow gentlemen, instead of “Up, up and away,” how about growing up?
New Balance: We got now
New Balance has got when? Right now? At this very moment? How long is “now,” really? Because it doesn’t seem like a long time. Now is already in the past by virtue of time passing within the past five seconds of me typing this. The only real “now” is the present moment, and the present moment is over in just a moment.
It’s a very poor choice of words. Newsflash: the future isn’t now, it’s then. I’d rather have “next” instead of “now.” Have you seen the current state of the world? It’s a shitshow! A dumpster fire! Who wants now? And what exactly does New Balance got? Be more specific, please. I’m going to need some details here. Next thing you know, New Balance will lie and claim “We Got the Beat” instead of crediting the Go-Go’s for staking their claim on the rhythm way back in 1981.
Speaking of claiming, it’s awful presumptuous to claim that one brand has got the entire world in its hands. That reminds me of that song about that person who’s got the whole world in their hands. How does it go again?
Adidas: Impossible is nothing
Impossible is not nothing, it’s something. Even nothing is something, or else the word “nothing” wouldn’t exist. Everything is something, by virtue of existing. Even zero is still a value. Like, for example, I have a total of zero dollars in my bank account from spending thousands on shoes from these brands every year. Except for Adidas—they don’t make shoes in my size 15. Bastards. Hey, Adidas, apparently it’s impossible for you to make running shoes in sizes greater than 14. But you’ve got no problem charging $500 for a shoe. Like I said, impossible is not nothing. Cue the Mission Impossible theme song.
On: Dream on
Oh, brother! “Dream on?” That’s the best they could dream up? How original. It’s only two words and one of them is the name of the company! It’s also the title of that horribly repetitive and extremely overplayed Aerosmith song. “Dream on” is also a lame reply indicating one’s skepticism of said dream. Tell me, On, how could I possibly “Dream On” when, just like Adidas, you don’t make shoes in my size?
Well, I suppose I could always wear On’s overpriced running apparel. Ha! In your dreams! I refuse to wear gear from a company that doesn’t make running shoes in my size. THIS is what dreams are made of? Surely Hilary Duff had something far more imaginative in mind when she belted out the theme song from The Lizzie McGuire Movie. So, no, I won’t “Dream On” and I’m certainly not living the dream. Having huge feet is more of a nightmare, actually.
Topo Athletic: The Topo difference
Another case of a brand being lazy and using their freaking company name in their motto. But it appears they missed the second word of their name—Athletic—in there. The Topo Athletic Difference. There you go, Topo Athletic, I fixed it for you.
Look, I get it. You’re different. But you don’t need to shout it from the mountaintops. One glance at a pair of Topo’s and we can all very clearly see you’re not like the others. The first time I saw a pair of Topo’s I thought they were for a different sport other than running.
It’s 2024: It’s simply not enough to be different. Today, you must be truly fucked up to get attention. I’m talking utterly depraved. Shameless. A real whack job. A total sicko—you know the type.
Back in 1959, Dinah Washington sang all about “What a Difference a Day Made.” But, 24 little hours later and Topo’s motto will still be the same underwhelming two words.
Instead of the “Topo Difference” or the “Topo Athletic Difference” how about “The Fucked Up Running Brand”? Yeah, that has a much better ring to it.
Well, as you can see, the running industry has the worst collection of mottos out there. Uninspiring, derivative, and extremely forgettable. Actually, come to think of it, they perfectly sum up running shoe companies!
