Let’s not be coy and just state the obvious: It’s truly a distinct honor and a privilege to run with The Size 15 Runner. So much so, that the activity is frequently found on the bucket lists of his whopping, nearly…80 Instagram followers, as well as countless other runners across the globe, probably.
Of course, as a celebrity influencer, The Size 15 Runner won’t run with just anybody. That’s why he’s never joined a running club or Strava group, and never run as part of a race pacing group, opting instead to pace himself and crash and burn well before the finish line. He’s a leader, not a follower. You have to be, when you’re someone with the extremely high social status of The Size 15 Runner. Not everyone has gigantic tootsies, and not everyone names a website and podcast after those enormous hooves.
Although, recently, he was feeling rather generous, and decided to grant a lifelong friend his lifelong wish: to run with The Size 15 Runner. His friend sure didn’t take this opportunity for granted. And he was right not to: The Size 15 Runner is a walking, er, rather, running encyclopedia filled with the most crucial and accurate running knowledge, expertise, and advice. And, out of the goodness of his heart, he was willing to share it all with his friend during their run together. The following is just a small portion of the abundance of vital information The Size 15 Runner shared with his “Make-A-Wish” friend.
Getting off on the wrong foot
I extended ample generosity to my friend before we even started running. Due to hot temperatures, this softie wanted to run in the morning, but The Size 15 Runner doesn’t run in the mornings. He prefers to sweat it out at the warmest part of the day—that’s how you make the biggest gains in training. No pain, no gain!
Before we even hit the pavement for our run, my friend was already showing his lack of running knowledge. Poor guy was applying sunscreen from head to toe. Sure, the sun’s rays are strongest at the time we were running, but you certainly didn’t need sunscreen on this cloudy day. I had no idea what the UV index was, but there were some clouds present, so I’m sure it was fine.
I couldn’t believe the pair of shoes he decided to lace up in my presence; The $150 Brooks Ghost Max is a fine shoe, but it’s far less expensive than the $165 New Balance Fresh Foam 1080 v13 I was rocking. Like, that’s a whole [pulls out calculator] $15 difference! You can buy a running hat with that! Ok, not a hat, but a pair of socks? Ok, maybe not socks, but perhaps arm or leg sleeves? Not even stupid limb sleeves?! Plus, his shoe size is only a measly 8! That’s like half of mine! You know what they say about people with small feet…
Anyway, he clearly didn’t get the memo: When you’re running with The Size 15 Runner, you’ve got to dress to impress. To make matters worse, his pair is all-white—The Size 15 Runner’s least favorite colorway. Not a good start, and we hadn’t even started running yet. To make matters worse, he was showing way too much skin wearing a singlet and shorts with a 3” inseam. How dare he try and take the attention off The Size 15 Runner by dressing scantily clad! I quickly scolded him for his outfit—trust me, no one wants to see his pale skin—I don’t care how unbearably hot and humid it is!
Leaving a bad taste
Naturally, I chose the route we would run. In addition to an extremely refined sense of taste, I have the best sense of direction. I knew I’d have to show him the ropes, so I made him run behind me instead of by my side. “Follow my lead,” I told him. Not long after, I couldn’t believe what I saw when I turned around. My friend’s running form was all wrong: his arm swings didn’t have enough forceful motion, his leg strides weren’t long enough, and, worst of all, he was heel striking!
I quickly demanded he stop running as I explained to him the various mistakes he was making. After a solid ten minutes, we were ready to start running again, this time, he was correctly landing with his forefoot, violently swinging his arms, and his leg strides were now double the length.
Only, now he wasn’t going at the right pace. Ever since I corrected his running form, his pace slowed dramatically. Gee, that’s the thanks I get for trying to help him grow as a runner?! “C’mon man, keep up!” I ordered him. The fact I was changing paces every quarter mile without warning is irrelevant. He’s got to be prepared for anything when running with The Size 15 Runner. I didn’t garner such a massive following by playing it safe.
A few minutes passed when I turned around and saw he had taken off his singlet. I was enraged! Again, he was trying to steal my spotlight by running without a shirt—something uber body-conscious The Size 15 Runner would never do! So, I chastised him. “Hey, Magic Mike! This ain’t Tuesday night at Xquisite Strip Club! Put your shirt back on!”
At the 3-mile-mark, I heard him behind me rummaging around in his pocket. Without even turning around, I knew what he was doing. “Not yet!” I shouted at him. “It’s far too early in the run to consume an energy gel! Don’t be weak!”
Small talk
It was so hard to even have a conversation with him behind me. But that didn’t stop me from talking down to him. I asked why he didn’t dress more appropriately for our run; he seemed confused by the question. So, I repeated it: “Why didn’t you dress more appropriately for our run? The shoes you’re wearing aren’t as expensive as mine, they’re white, and your outfit is slutty!” He pretended like he couldn’t hear me, but I knew he could. So, I asked him again: “Why didn’t you dress more appropriately for our run?” Still no response. Mental note: never run with this dude again.
Then he tried to pull a fast one on me. He gradually started inching closer and closer, until he was practically running alongside me. I pretended not to notice until he got right next to me. I barked at him: “Where do you think you’re going?! Get back in your place, behind me! Go on, get!”
Just a couple miles later—still too early to eat one—he reached for his gel again. I was just about to allow him to eat it, until I saw the gel brand. “No! What are you thinking?! You can’t ingest that kind of gel during training—save those for race day!” He proceeded to spew some crap about wanting to train with these gels to ensure his stomach could tolerate them come race day. Again, he’s so damn soft. Everyone’s got an excuse, these days. So, I let him eat half, and I downed the rest, which worked out perfectly because I forgot to bring a gel.
The rest of the run was done in silence—except for my occasional use of obscenities complaining how hot the sun felt. But that was fine—for some reason, it seemed like I was the only who wanted to talk, anyway.
Well, as you can tell, it’s truly a treat to run with The Size 15 Runner. Unfortunately, some people have to ruin the experience for everyone. Therefore, The Size 15 Runner is rescinding the privilege to run with him. You read that correctly: That was the first and last time The Size 15 Runner runs with anybody—lifelong friend, family member, or otherwise. Now I remember why I do all my runs alone…and have no social life. And am lonely…and miserable.
