In 2023, the 10 Commandments of Running — the definitive running rules — were unearthed, shaking the running world to its very core. Today, the Seven Deadly Sins of Running are unveiled. From wrath to lust and everything in between, avoid these running vices like the Bubonic plague. Come for the running bible study, stay for the random music references.
1. Running on the wrong side (WRATH)
Like Willie Nelson, you’re “On The Road Again”, after you twisted your ankle on the trails—someone really ought to remove all those roots and rocks and level the ground. But, you can’t seem to remember where exactly you’re supposed to run on the pavement. It’s really not that hard. There are only two sides of the road; you’ve got a 50/50 chance at choosing the right one. Oops, poor choice of words: It’s not the right side, if you’re in the U.S. You want to run against traffic, not with it. If you forget which is the correct side, just run on the middle yellow lines—there’s no way drivers will miss you.
As Sheryl Crow so poignantly belted on the struggles of life, “Everyday is a winding road.” And while every run may have a winding road, the curvature of the street doesn’t change the correct side of the road to run on. Unless there’s a blind corner approaching. Then, you may need to move to the other side and temporarily break one of the running rules. But don’t you dare take too long switching back over.
Road rage isn’t just for drivers: you’re well within your rights to absolutely “lose it” when there’s a runner approaching you head-on on your left side—their right side—the wrong side. Go ahead: Let them feel your wrath and make sure to avenge this injustice by flashing both middle fingers.
2. Ignoring runners (PRIDE)
You’re correct: as a runner, the world does revolve around you. Actually, I have it on good authority that Nas was referring to runners on his hit single “The World is Yours” off 1994’s Illmatic. So, the world is our oyster—unless you’re vegan—but that means it also revolves around every other runner, too. Which is why you ought to acknowledge the existence of runners while you’re running.
I mean, who do you think you are? Let me break it to you: you’re no one special. You’re not an elite runner. You’re not sponsored. And you don’t look as cool as you think you do while running. But even if you were professional, or sponsored, or looked “fly as fuck” while logging miles, you still would need to acknowledge other runners.
However, it is acceptable, nay encouraged, to ignore runners wearing shoes that were released more than four years ago. Or the folks wearing tights and multiple layers of long sleeves when the temperature is above 60 degrees Fahrenheit. Or conversely, those who wear 1” shorts and short sleeves when it dips below water’s freezing point. Clearly, they have a tenuous grasp on reality and likely wouldn’t even notice if you tried to acknowledge them. Have some damn pride and just disregard them.
3. Running in one brand (GREED)
Running in only one brand’s shoes or one shoe model would be like using only one of the five senses for the rest of your life. If you can get away with it, more power to you. But I think you would start to feel pretty powerless—and miserable—if you couldn’t see, hear, taste, or even touch while running. Sure, you could still smell things, but the insufferable odor of shit—be it from cow manure or city sewage—will dominate your nostrils with your heightened sense of smell.
On the topic of senses, James Newton Howard was honored by the American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers for his composition of music for the popular M. Night Shyamalan film The Sixth Sense. Howard has composed music for over 120 films, including Academy Award-nominated scores for Michael Clayton, The Fugitive, and My Best Friend’s Wedding. Movie music history for the win!
There are dozens of shoe brands out there, why not catch wear ‘em all? That’s right: be greedy! Forget brand loyalty—companies couldn’t give a crap about you. You’re a walking—er, running—dollar sign wearing their overpriced shoes. They’re making great profit margins off you, so why not spread your wealth, or lack thereof, among various shoe brands? Worried about your bank account? Fear not: As Notorious B.I.G. lamented, “Mo Money, Mo Problems.”
4. Not resting (SLOTH)
Like Sean Daley (Slug) of iconic rap duo Atmosphere rapped, “Every day can’t be the best day.” Additionally, every day can’t be a running day. Running every day of the week is a recipe for injury, burnout, and insanity. Despite what your fearmongering high school gym teacher taught you, it’s ok to be a sloth sometimes. Blame Jesus (How topical!), he set the blueprint by making Sunday the day of rest.
Of course, instead of resting Sunday, you’ll likely be going to sleep early Saturday night and waking up even earlier Sunday morning to struggle through yet another long run that either feels like Hell has frozen over or there’s humidity from Hell. Ahh, long runs: the hijackers of the weekend. Speaking of blueprint, you’ve got JAY-Z’s The Blueprint trilogy of albums to build your long run playlist from. Start with the first one: like movies, the sequels pale in comparison. Anyway, “On To The Next One.”
5. Judging shoes by uppers (LUST)
The upper is to a shoe as the cover is to a book: it’s got the colorway, shape, and lining. Not only should you not judge a shoe by its design before running in it, but you should never judge a shoe—or anything—ever. You wouldn’t dare judge a person by their looks, right?! One’s experience with a running shoe depends on their biomechanics, experience level, and personal preferences. Only runners who have optimal running form, the finest taste, and who are “elite” can judge a shoe—or anything.
Once you reach those prerequisites, feel free to lust after any shoe with a loud (obnoxious) colorway, trendy (fad) design, and a carbon fiber plate visible through the outsole (meaningless). Lana Del Rey crooned about the importance of a “Lust for Life” keeping her alive, but everyone knows coveting material objects instead leads to greater happiness. 84.973542% of running is mental, so why not boost your ego—and make others jealous—with the sickest looking, priciest shoes? Until then, judge a shoe by the “expert” opinions from Instagram, Reddit, and YouTube. And never forget, beauty is in the eye of the shoe holder.
6. Underfueling (GLUTTONY)
Whether you’re training for a marathon or run once a week, proper nutrition is a must to optimize your performance. Don’t be a picky diner; listen to Weird Al’s sage advice from 1984 and “Eat it, just eat it.” Be a glutton and consume more than you think you need. Even when you feel full, keep stuffing your face. It’s always better to overfuel than underfuel. As far as liquids, avoid gaining dreaded water weight and stick to the “Over-Over Rule”: opt for overpriced and overprocessed beverages filled with wild amounts of sugar, preservatives, and ample carcinogens.
Contrary to popular belief, there’s only one correct diet for runners to follow. Steer clear of the three C’s: carbs, calcium, and counting calories. Don’t listen to licensed dietitians or nutritionists—companies pay them to push any old product to the masses. You know your body best. As Roxette encouraged sad, hopeless, and lonely people trying to find meaning in life: “Listen to your heart, there’s nothing else you can do.”
7. Comparing yourself to others (ENVY)
The last of the running rules, but certainly not the least. Being green with envy of other runners will only lead to you feeling blue (“Da ba dee da ba di”). Instead, get tickled pink by comparing yourself to…yourself. Reflect on how far you’ve come as a runner, and then come to the realization that you’ve overpromised and underperformed.
How have you not run a marathon yet? Not even a half?! So, can you even run a sub-six-minute mile? How about a sub-20-minute 5K? Despicable. You’re a yellow-bellied runner! You should feel ashamed when you consider how much other runners have accomplished. At least you’re not as disgraceful as rapper Rick Ross, who vowed on “Ashamed” from his 2012 album God Forgives, I Don’t, to continue dealing drugs, he’s “ashamed to say.” He better hope he doesn’t get caught red-handed.
Check out the 10 Commandments of Running for even more running rules to blindly follow.
