Registering for your first marathon can be intimidating. Forget running 26.2 miles, training for a marathon is whole other marathon in and of itself! How can you adequately prepare to toe the starting line with confidence? With five marathons under my feet, I prepared a checklist of the best first marathon training tips. Follow these and you’ll be golden come race day.
1. Drop family and friends
With an intense training plan, you won’t have any time for loved ones. They’ll only hold you back and distract you from your running, anyway. Don’t plan on having a kid, catching up with friends you haven’t seen in months because they had a kid, or paying attention to your own kids.
Your significant other may miss the definitely sufficient and not-lacking-in-any-way affection you go to no lengths to provide, but they’ll understand—if they’re a runner. If your partner doesn’t run, maybe it’s time to find one who does; your life will be much easier. No one has to know that running is your one true love. Don Corleone said a man who doesn’t spend time with family can’t be a real man, but what if your family sucks?
2. Take a sabbatical
If you’re smart, you became a professor and timed your training block with the start of your sabbatical. If you’re not a college educator, just take a metaphorical sabbatical from work. Don’t worry, your boss and colleagues will understand. Running always comes first and they should know they can’t count on you to produce solid work while you’re training for a marathon. You only have so much time and energy to offer, and you’re fresh out of fucks to give.
You won’t quit your day job, you’ll just quit the act of working at your day job. What will you do on the clock? Like Peter Gibbons in Office Space, you’ll “do nothing, absolutely nothing.” And it’ll be “everything you thought it could be.”
And for all you students out there, stay in school, but maybe take the semester off?
3. Eat, eat, and eat
You’ll burn a lot of calories with those high mileage weeks, so you should eat anything and everything in your line of sight. Forget about sugar, sodium, or fat levels—you’re training for a marathon, you can eat however much you want of whatever you want whenever you want. Every day is a cheat day!
Oh, and I guess drinking fluids is advisable, too. Not too much water, though—the last thing you want while training for a marathon is to gain dreaded water weight. It’s just like the “freshman fifteen” except it’s H20 instead of beer, wine, liquor, and a steady bong hit followed by the munchies. Ah, the joys of college; it was so long ago! At least you aged better than problematic college movies like Animal House, Road Trip, Revenge of the Nerds, and the American Pie series.
4. Devote all your energy to running
Sure, you could visit that art museum, check out that new Mexican restaurant, or go to IKEA to pick up that bookcase, but the art exhibits are likely severely uninspiring, the new taco spot is surely an overpriced resident- and tourist trap practically begging for a health violation, and who needs a bookcase—or books—when Kindle exists? Plus, each of those trips are just a waste of perfectly good calories from the perfectly bad food you ate: soggy meatloaf, undercooked wings, and a stale hotdog. Yes, I know the hotdog had sauerkraut—that doesn’t count as a vegetable serving. Still three cups to go!
Instead of venturing out, stay home on the couch and live vicariously through Ferris Bueller despite far more accurately resembling the reclusive Cameron Frye. Just don’t give in when your friend keeps calling you to come over. Remember, you have no time for friends—or anyone but yourself.
5. Deactivate social media
This is just solid life advice regardless of who you are. And no, I’m not bitter because I have only 50 Instagram followers. “Post more videos,” you tell me. “Post more frequently,” you say. What will that get me? An additional 10 followers? No, thanks.
Pull a LeBron during the NBA playoffs and go “zero dark thirty” on social media. Well, except for 2022. The Lakers missed the playoffs that year, so he had plenty of time to post shirtless selfies and proclaim that he’s “smiling through it all.” I joke, LeBron is the greatest basketball player to ever live—right alongside the other greatest basketball player to ever live, MJ. Where was I? Oh right, just get off social media—for good. And if you still have Twitter, I mean, “X”, then you might as well deactivate your internet connection.
What will you do with all the time you freed up? Stay on brand and watch 2012’s Zero Dark Thirty. Despite earning five Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, the polarizing film took home just one gold trophy for Best Sound Editing. That just sounds lame. It wasn’t even a real win—the movie shared the Oscar with Skyfall in a rare tie, one of only six ever. This has been “Movie History” brought to you by The Size 15 Runner.
6. Buy more running shoes
The last of the marathon training tips, but certainly not the least. A wise woman once said: “One can never have too many running shoes; the limit simply does not exist.” Then, a wise man added: “Go ahead, go absolutely buck wild.” Training for your first marathon—or any race—gives you cart blanche to empty your bank account on any and every new pair of shoes. After all, a marathon training block requires a robust shoe rotation complete with at least four daily trainers, tempo shoes, and recovery pairs.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but Brooks says we’ll “run happy” if we buy their products. MYTH BUSTED! Come to think of it, that might just be a marketing tactic. If they were honest, they’d say: “The more running shoes, the merrier—and poorer.” That’s the real The Nightmare Before Christmas. Honestly, any movie with stop-motion animation is just terrifying. Looking at you, Coraline.
Now, I should mention, this isn’t an exhaustive list. There are many other first marathon training tips to follow. And for a small fee of $29.99, the entire list of trusted marathon training tips can be yours today! You wouldn’t dare underprepare for your first marathon, would you?
