Some athletes believe they need performance-enhancing drugs to gain a competitive advantage. Human growth hormone (HGH), anabolic steroids, you name it, desperate athletes got ‘em. And they can have them. I have enough pimples, hair loss, and extreme mood swings to last me a lifetime. The only injection I want is a shot of ooey, gooey fluid from energy gels. They’re the best natural performance enhancer to fuel your runs including speed workouts, long runs, and race day. Give me fructose, glucose, and calcium carbonate instead of trenbolone, oxymetholone, and nandrolone.
However, from personal experience, I know it can be easy to get caught up in the energy gel game and find yourself constantly chasing the “sugar high” provided by this faux candy. To help others overcome their energy gel addictions like I did, I’m moderating an “Energy Gel-aholics Anonymous” meeting.
Introductions
Moderator (Me): Welcome, everyone! Thank you for attending today’s Gel-aholics Anonymous meeting. Let’s start by going around the circle with introductions.
Aisha: I can start. Hi, my name is Aisha and I’m an energy gel-aholic. Like many runners here, my energy gel use started out as a social activity, to use as I ran among hundreds or thousands of runners during races. But, over time, I found myself reaching for gel packs on short weekday runs by myself. And now, I eat them even on days when I don’t run.
Frank: Good morning, all. I’m Frank and I’m an energy gel-aholic. My story is similar. Once the first gel hit my lips, it was so good. I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker, and I’m no fisherman! [Laughs] No, but seriously, I’ve discovered the best way to avoid stuffing my face with gels on non-running days is to consume a gel every mile during my runs. Talk about a sugar rush! Keeps me alert and feeling fresh; I just have to figure out how to avoid the dreadful and mysterious crash I get after I stop eating them.
Tobias: Howdy, folks. My story is quite the opposite of these two. The first time I tried an energy gel, I almost vomited. Turns out, I had some pretty painful GI distress because I didn’t take it with water. Regardless, I couldn’t stand the overly sweet taste of the GU gels. It was like a spoonful of maple syrup mixed with caramel syrup and topped with honey. Overkill. However, the more I consumed, the more I enjoyed them. It’s an acquired taste, for sure.
Kyle: Ha, we’re not so different, you and I. The first time I took an energy gel, I didn’t feel it, so I took another… and then another shortly after. I would later learn that people process carbohydrates at different rates — it can take all the way up to 15 minutes or more to feel the high! Speaking of honey, I hate to admit that those Honey Stinger gels got me buzzing, big time. I know, they’re a total scam — I already have honey in my pantry at home, I should just save money and pack some of it on my runs. I guess we’re paying for convenience.
Karen: Those things are gateway drugs! They got me hooked on real honey. Now I’m buying 3-packs of Kirkland honey from Costco and find myself finishing it in just a couple weeks. It may be a natural sugar source, but it’s still got a beehive’s worth of sugar.
Julius: Maurten gels are my drugs of choice. I can’t seem to quit them, despite the texture providing the same sensation as biting into old Jell-O. I’m sorry, but I just don’t want to have to chew my gels while I’m running. I do enough chewing of gum, stale beef jerky, and my nails — another bad habit. Perhaps I can share more about my nail biting later?
Moderator: We don’t have time for that today, Julius.
Not making amends
Moderator: Ok, let’s move on to how your addictions are negatively impacting the people in your lives.
Karen: Well, my dental hygienist hates me now.
Tobias: And your dentist, I’m sure?
Karen: Nah, he says everything appears fine every time he examines my teeth after cleanings. I always wonder what he’d say if he looked before my teeth were cleaned.
Frank: Ha, that sounds like my dentist.
Aisha: Mine too.
Julius: Aren’t all dentists the same?!
Kyle: Yeah! Do they even do anything?
Moderator: Let’s stay on topic. Who else would like to share?
Tobias: My primary care doctor gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her. She mentioned something about a risk of diabeets, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.
Moderator: For this conversation, let’s focus on how your family, friends, and colleagues are impacted by your addiction.
Kyle: I’ll let you know how my colleagues feel when I get a job! [Laughs]
Aisha: I lost all my friends to my addiction, and my family enables me. They buy me energy gels as stocking stuffers every Christmas and use them as the icing on my birthday cake every May 16th.
Julius: What’s on May 16?
Aisha: My birthday…
Karen: Oh, happy belated birthday!
Aisha: Today’s September 7th…
Frank: Lucky man. My family disowned me after I started inhaling five gel packs a day. Bunch of hypocrites, they all smoke like chimneys.
Moderator: Ah, interesting. Do you smoke cigarettes or cigars, too?
Frank: What? No, I meant that they smoke all kinds of meats on weekends — chicken, pork, and beef included. Consuming too much meat is detrimental to their health.
The contact high
Moderator: [Lets out a long sigh] Alright, let’s talk about coping strategies. How are you all managing your addictions?
Tobias: What addiction? It’s just energy gels! [Laughs] No, you’re right, this is a serious issue, I apologize for joking around.
Karen: I’ve recently switched to eating packets of raw sugar. They’re more effective in raising my energy levels. Although, strangely, I feel horribly not too long after.
Aisha: Sugar in the Raw?
Karen: You know it, girl! None of that weak-ass Sweet and Low crap!
Kyle: Sweet and Low? More like Sweet and High! That shit takes the edge off and just chills me out, man.
Julius: You know, Stevia gets a bad rap, but that stuff is lit!
Moderator: Simply consuming different types of sweeteners doesn’t alleviate the issue. You’re only masking your addiction with another one.
Frank: Judgmental much?
Aisha: Ugh, I know. So judgey.
Moderator: I’m not here to judge, I’m here to help.
Tobias: [Pulls out energy gel, holds it high above his head, and begins to pour into mouth]
Moderator: As a reminder, there are no energy gels permitted in this room.
Tobias: [Speaks with gel in his mouth] I’m almost done, I’m just going to finish.
Frank: Hey, that’s not fair! This is a “trip” I want to take! [Pulls out a gel, pours contents onto table, and begins to snort the gel] Now, that’s some dank nose candy!
Moderator: Enough! This is not how these meetings are going to go.
Kyle: You’re outnumbered here. Just give in to the temptation and join us. Unless, you’re not cool?
Moderator: I’m not going to dignify your comment with a response.
Kyle: You just did. [Pulls out a beer bong and begins to funnel energy gels in the bong as he drinks.]
Group chants in unison: Chug! Chug! Chug!
Julius: [Pulls out a glass bong, pours energy gels inside bowl, lights the corner of the bowl, and inhales.] [Coughing] Yeah, [Coughs again] you totally need to chill out, man. [Coughs yet again]
Moderator: [Sitting there with visible disgust] You’re all unbelievable. [Moderator leaves the room]
Karen: Some people just can’t hang, you know?
Group: Agreed.
Aisha: Hey, don’t be a hog; pass me that bong!
Julius: Sure thing, bro!
[Several minutes pass]
[Moderator returns to the room and sits down.]
Moderator: What is this, amateur hour?! You’re all doing it wrong! [Pulls out rolling papers and empties the contents of energy gels into the joint, lights it up, and takes a puff.] Puff, puff, pass, am I right? [Laughs]
Alright! Who’s ready to go running and actually get high off the runner’s high?!
[Group erupts in cheers and begins to head outside for a run.]
