Editor’s note: In a Saturday Night Live skit from 1992, guest host Jerry Seinfeld posed the now infamous question that is referenced as the go-to satirical line for standup comedy: “What’s the deal with airplane food?” Today, in his debut “comedy” special, The Size 15 Runner poses a much less relevant question, on a considerably smaller scale, to a significantly smaller audience: What’s the deal with heel pull tabs on running shoes? As you’ll see, he sure is triggered by pull tabs, and he doesn’t hold back as he rails against “wokeness.” But, is it humorous in the slightest?
[The Size 15 Runner runs on stage as the crowd rises to give him a standing ovation]
Thank you, guys! It’s great to be back here! C’mon, sit down!
You guys seen what they’re doing with pull tabs these days? [face-palms and shakes head in disgust] You know, that silly-looking loop on the heel of a running shoe. My god, talk about going woke! You guys realize they serve no purpose, right? [audience gasps] You’re all thinking it, but I said it!
Complaints and Grievances
Pull tabs are all the rage lately, but, I’ll tell ya what, all they do is enrage me! [picks up the stool and throws it across the stage; audience cheers wildly] Supposedly, the pull tab is supposed to make it easier to put on and take off a shoe. Ha! What kind of footwear do these running brands think we’re wearing? They’re not construction work boots, am I right?! [audience agrees emphatically] Next thing you know, they’re going to be selling us hard hats to wear on the run! I got news for ya, if you have trouble putting on and removing shoes, you’ve got more important things to worry about! [Winks at audience] You’re all thinking it, but I said it!
“I got news for ya, if you need a pull tab to put on and remove a shoe, you’ve got more important things to worry about!”
You may be wondering why I care so much about a two-inch piece of fabric. It’s the principle of it! What’s next? They’ll add a button to the shoe to ensure the optimal shoelace lockdown? The only button I need is on my pants! [tugs on belt and pulls up pants] Plus, that additional fabric is just making the shoe heavier. And trust me, I don’t need any extra weight to carry around; I’ve got plenty of it right here! [points to his gut; audience catcalls] You’re all thinking it, but I said it!
Why Would You Do That?
We got runners out there thinking the heel pull tab serves the same purpose as a spoiler on the rear of a car. Hell, there’s some of you here in this room tonight! You know who you are! [points at random audience members] For those of you living under a rock, a spoiler is the structure placed on the back of a car that’s supposed to improve aerodynamics and reduce air drag. I got a spoiler for ya — a spoiler alert! After a few miles you’re gonna be dragging your feet on the road just like the rest of us. There’s a reason runners don’t have speed limit signs to follow! You’re all thinking it, but I said it! [audience laughs and shouts “We’re slow!”]
“We got runners out here thinking the heel pull tab serves the same purpose as a spoiler on the rear of a car.”
My “favorite” pull tabs are the ones so small you can’t even fit your finger in between the loop. You guys seen these things? Talk about favoring form over function! These companies are essentially admitting to us the pull tab is a fashion statement — a hideous one, if you ask me. But you don’t have to ask me, it’s my show, so I’m telling ya! You’re all thinking it, but I said it! [audience applauds and cheers wildly]
Beyond the Pale
If they gotta put a pull tab on the shoe, at least make it large enough for us to fit our hand in so we can carry it like a bag! And, gee, I don’t know, maybe add some storage space somewhere in the shoe?! I mean, have you ever noticed, running shoes have absolutely no pockets?! [crowd boos to express agreement] I mean, do they really expect us to store our keys, gels, and phone in our shorts? I don’t know about you guys, but I want my valuables to be as far away from my junk as possible. You’re all thinking it, but I said it! [Shrugs shoulders and puts hands up in confusion; audience shouts in agreement]
“Have you ever noticed, running shoes have absolutely no pockets? Do they really expect us to store our keys, gels, and phone in our shorts?!”
These shoe companies should spend less time on the design of the pull tab and more time on the design of the shoe! The shoe colorways lately are so PC! [crowd boos in agreement] There’s a time and place for diversity, equity, and inclusion, but let’s leave politics out of sports, am I right?! [audience member stands up and shouts, “Amen, brother!”] The colors are either all-white, black, or a tacky fluorescent hue that screams, “Look at me!” If I wanted to attract the wandering eyes of strangers, I’d run barefoot! [crowd chants “Barefoot! Barefoot! Barefoot!”] You’re all thinking it, but I said it!
Walk Your Way Out
Now, you may be saying, “Tell me how you really feel about pull tabs.” [Crowd giggles excitedly] I’ll do you one better. I’ll show you! [Takes off running shoes to reveal bare feet, pulls out a pair of scissors, and cuts the pull tab off each shoe] [audience gasps]
You want a pull tab? I’ll give you a pull tab! [Holds the pull tabs in the air and throws both into the audience. Crowd fights over pull tabs as they’re hooting and hollering] Pull on that!
Everyone, say it with me this time: [points microphone at audience and crowd yells in unison: “We’re all thinking it, but you said it!”
You guys have been great! [Drops both of his shoes to the stage floor like a mic and walks off stage barefoot]
[Seinfeld theme song begins to play]
[crowd rises to give standing ovation]
