From running podcasts and YouTube channels to Instagram and, well, blogs, it’s never been easier to present yourself as an expert in the running world. But with all that noise disguised as advice, you’re likely to get overwhelmed. How can you truly know how to reach your full potential as a runner? Look no further: an ancient stone tablet etched with the 10 Commandments of Running was recently unearthed. Scholars have proposed a wide range of theories to explain the commandments’ origin, but one thing is clear: it’s now regarded as the definitive religion for all runners. To avoid any (extremely unlikely) misinterpretations of the Commandments, I’ve graciously provided you with my sound guidance on how to follow them.
I. Thou shalt not permit running to dominate thy life
It’s easy to choose running over family, friends, obligations, and work. But don’t give in to temptation so easily. It’s important to think long and hard about your priorities. Then, only after much consideration, you’re permitted to conclude that you’d much rather be running than meeting up with your annoying colleagues for a happy hour, fulfilling your household duties, spending a second longer on work once the clock strikes quitting time, or visiting relatives. There’s a limited number of hours in a day, and you simply can’t afford to spend time on anything but running.
II. Thou shalt stretch adequately
LOL, you can’t actually stretch for every run; it’s a physical impossibility! And forget stretching before AND after a run. Just pick one! Or, save some time and don’t stretch at all. Trust me, no one actually stretches consistently. Plus, you’ll gain more time to recover from all those mysterious aches and pains you develop. Already thrown away money on elasticity and flexibility tools? Consider donating your foam rollers, running sticks, and massage guns to bicyclists.
III. Thou shalt not indulge on shoes
Let’s be honest, there is really no way to control your running shoe purchases. Call it impulsive, irresponsible, and selfish, but only you know just how many pairs you need to be happy. Spoiler alert: the limit does not exist! That’s right, you’ll never be satisfied with the number of pairs you have in your rotation. The sole reason you’re running in the first place is to buy more shoes!
IV. Thou shalt not dress improperly
The only thing worse than overheating on a run, is feeling cold on a run. Or is it the other way around? Regardless, choosing the appropriate attire to match the forecast will take a lot of practice, and, through much trial and error, you’ll definitely still end up feeling unpleasant. Take solace knowing that you have no control over the weather….or over anything (e.g., death and taxes).
“The only thing worse than overheating on a run, is feeling cold on a run. Or is it the other way around?”
V. Thou shalt not settle for the same routine
You know what they say, variety is the spice of running! Keep things interesting by venturing beyond your same couple of running routes and creating new ones. Not only will it liven things up, but you’ll be more likely to avoid repetitive overuse injuries. But on the other hand, you’d sure be uncomfortable outside of your comfort zone. Plus, “more likely” is no guarantee. Don’t they also say ignorance is bliss?
VI. Thou shalt not “overdo it”
Forget the mythical “80% easy runs/20% hard runs” rule. Running is mostly mental, so, do what feels right for your ego. Personally, I would never take a run “easy.” There are always spectators outside watching you on every run. Even if you opt for the treadmill at home, you’re likely to still catch your reflection in a mirror, or worse, your significant other could easily walk by and judge you. And you wouldn’t want to embarrass yourself by underperforming on a Sunday morning trot — that’s what race day is for!
VII. Thou shalt set realistic goals
Regardless of how your training block went or how you did in your race, it’s crucial to never be content with your performance. Running isn’t supposed to be fun, that’s why it’s called running. It’s all about achieving PRs at any cost. Sure, you’re not a professional runner, but that’s just because you haven’t tried hard enough. By setting unreachable goals and impractical performance expectations for yourself, you may just shave that minute off your personal record. Time heals all wounds, and a faster race time will heal all injuries.
“Regardless of how your training block went or how you did in your race, it’s absolutely crucial to never be content with your performance.”
VIII. Thou shalt not compare thyself
In an era when super foams, carbon plates, and, um, pull tabs, are helping break PRs, Strava is the arbiter of all runs, and social media repeatedly hits us over the head with the most expensive and flashy running shoes and outfits, it’s never been easier to compare yourself to other runners. And for that, we should be eternally grateful. How else will you know how good you are as a runner if you don’t stack yourself up against a complete stranger with different genes, body type, running experience, and goals? Never forget: comparison is the ultimate source of joy.
IX. Thou shalt properly fuel thyself
Every runner knows the importance of proper nutrition for successful running, but few know how to achieve it. Before a run, you can’t go wrong with heavy, high-fiber meals packed with extra garlic and onions at the heart of the dish. Carnivores will enjoy spaghetti carbonara, lamb vindaloo, or a soggy, possibly undercooked meatloaf with a heaping helping of southern baked beans and buttery, bacon-y grits. For vegetarians, think hummus, Madras lentils, or Kung Pao Tofu with ample chili peppers. Wash it all down with a cold milkshake or can of cola. Limit your H2O intake — water weight is no joke! Post-run, reward yourself with an ice cream sundae or a slice of cake. You’ll still probably consume less sugar than eating fruit!
X. Thou shalt not tie thy identity to running
It’s not recommended to define yourself through any activity, person, or thing. According to the Berkeley Well-Being Institute, one’s identity is defined by a sense of self, established by unique characteristics, affiliations, and social roles. Sounds ok, but what if you have no redeeming qualities, relationships, or values? Well, in that case, it sounds like a running persona is the perfect identity to assume. Running already takes up the majority of your time, energy, and money, so why not take it to the next level and let it consume you entirely? Sure, you may never evolve, but as the world progresses around you, running is the one constant you can depend on. Think of running as your North Star — you should do everything you can to follow it.
Well, there you have it: all the running advice you’ll ever need, formulated into ten succinct commandments. As you continue navigating the many highs (and absolutely no lows) of being a runner, use these commandments as a stabilizing force to push you forward. You’ll be breaking PRs and earning the respect of elite runners in no time.
